It Started With a Glass of Beer
(Sung to the tune of "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear")
It started wi-ith a glass of beer--
The way that it so often does;
Soon Fred had knocked off a pint of rye,
And Marge had one helluva buzz;
The yell-ing started 'round half past nine,
The slaps and the punches at ten;
The screams grew loud and the neighbors knew
The Sweeneys were at it again.
His eyes were bla-ack from countless blows;
Her body was bloodied and raw;
His nose was broken -- he'd lost four teeth
From stopping a vase with his jaw;
They've loathed each other since God knows when,
And neither shows any remorse;
They'll stick together because they know
The Church won't permit a divorce.
Hark! The Gossip Fills the Air
(Sung to the tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing")
Hark! The gossip fills the air-r--
Mom's begun a new affair;
Sneaking off to get her ki-icks--
Down the road at Motel 6;
Filled with mid-life lust and hunger,
Ev'ry year she likes them younger;
Who'd have thought her days she'd spend
Getting it on...with my best friend!
Shack-ing up for days on end--
Getting it on...with my best friend!
Rudy the Deadbeat Father
(Sung to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")
Rudy the deadbeat fath-er
Won't support his fam-i-ly--
Dooming his wife and children
To a life of pov-er-ty.
Rudy enjoys the good life--
Takes a Roy-al Princess cruise;
Makes it with bust bim-bos--
Drinks the most ex-pen-sive booze.
When the law got on his trail,
Rudy changed his name;
Grew a mustache and goatee,
Had some plastic sur-ger-y.
Rudy the deadbeat fath-er
Loves the glitter and the glow;
If he had on-ly known it,
He'd have split ten years ago!
Uncle Claude is Coming to Town
(Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
You better lock up
The kiddies today;
A lust old gent
Is heading your way --
Uncle Claude is coming to town!
He's got a big smile;
He's giving out toys;
He's hot as can be
For underage boys --
Uncle Claude is coming to town!
He's such a jolly fellow;
He's always full of fun;
He'll lure your kid
In-to his room
For a game of "One on One"!
And should he strike out,
He doesn't much care;
The Internet's filled
With kiddie-porn there --
Uncle Claude is coming to town!
Every Week They Drop Another Grand
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
There it stands --
The casino;
Mom's inside,
Playing keno;
She's there night and day;
She can't stay away;
Ev'ry week she drops
another grand.
See my dad
Roll the dice there,
With his luck
Cold as ice there;
He doubles his bets
As well as his debts;
Ev'ry week he drops
another grand.
Yesterday they repossessed
our Taurus;
Dad's now cashing out his I-R-A;
Things are even worse for
Cousin Horace --
Beaten up by bookies he
can't pay.
Christmas Eve --
There's no tree here;
Folks are gone --
There's just me here;
They're trying once more
To make the big score --
You can bet they'll drop
another grand!
Fill The House
(Sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls")
Fill the house with jubilation!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Billy Bob is on probation!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Ellies slept with brother Chester!
Fa la la, la la la, la la la!
Now she's in her third trimester!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Give a cheer -- we're all together!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Claire is into whips and leather!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Roy has formed his own militia!
Fa la la, la la la, la la la!
Clem's a pimp for cousin Tricia!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Gather 'round and give a blessing!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Uncle Fred is still cross-dressing!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Geoff is on the floor with Donna!
Fa la la, la la la, la la la!
Stoned on home-grown marijuana!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Join our Christmas celebration --
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Make our house your destination --
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Ev'ry year's a real hum-dinger --
Fa la la, la la la, la la la!
Catch us soon on Jerry Springer!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
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